by L. L. Wing
In Beverly Hills, where I live, there's a whole cosmos of sex consultants, coaches, and "healers" who stand ready to enlighten you, under the palm-shaded sun, for jackpot fees ($100 an hour and up). My mission as an intrepid Redbook reporter was to unearth the elite of this exotic, erotic body of experts and reveal to you what knowledge — if any — was worth so much cash.
All roads led to Dr. Ava Cadell. I couldn't wait to ransack her brain for solutions to the foremost knotty dilemma for me and every other woman I know: What can I do to keep sex fresh in my marriage? I left her office stunned and enlightened (not to mention $300 lighter), with a bouquet of wondrous tricks that I didn't know I didn't know — and believe me, you don't either. So listen up.
People should not have sex without talking about it — lovingly, salaciously, practically, fearlessly — and often. How else can we know how to thrill each other? Couples don't ask for what they want because they're afraid they won't get it. If you don't ask, however, you are sure not to get it. The spoken word can be foreplay, intimate and hot. Be brave. Dr. Ava suggests this game. Plan to make a night of it:
a. Set the mood for a romantic evening with your partner. Then write all your sex fantasies on three-by-five-inch cards. All of them, no matter how bestial, or politically taboo.
b. Read your cards together and, as you do, divide them into three piles: fantasies you want to turn into reality (e.g., sex in an airplane lavatory); fantasies you want to keep that way (e.g., sex with your man and another woman); and fantasies that do nothing for one of the partners (e.g., sex with Big Bird).
c. Discard the pile of fantasies that turn a partner off. Keep the other two piles. Have one partner choose a card from one of them, and then do whatever's written on it. If he chooses this time, you get to choose next time. If the chosen fantasy is one you both want to keep a fantasy, you're not going to actually do it -- you're just going to make love as you talk about it. Example: He picks the fantasy where he makes love to you and another woman (most men's number one choice). Start to make love while both of you describe, in exquisite carnal detail, who's doing what to whom and how. To avoid hurt feelings it's best if you describe what the Other Woman looks like. (He'll say "She's 18" -- and you'll get mad.) Make her your physical opposite: If you're small breasted, make her boobs a bonanza. If you're all-American, make her searingly exotic. You get the point. If your man is too shy to join in, ask him questions, like "I can't see her mouth — where is it?" Act things out (with flair!) as you narrate them. Dr. Ava recommends that you end these sessions with your man climaxing inside of you as you rather than as the Other Woman. This will maintain intimacy and quell that green-eyed monster. Q
: When is the missionary position not the missionary position?A
: When you stroke your man's perineum. This small stretch of flesh between the anus and the testicles is an exalted but often neglected place. When it is caressed or gently prodded during sex, men fuse with the eighth dimension. My man sure did; I felt like I floored a Ferrari.
Don't assume that the great favor of your vagina is enough. Gild the lily.
A man's testicles, says Dr. Ava, are the complement to our ovaries: a mystical place, the epicenter of new life. But unlike ovaries, testicles can be touched -- and boy, should they be touched. The sensations they produce are beyond the sum of their parts (forgive the pun): profound. Pinch, tug, suck on his testicles. Linger. Dawdle. Don't make this an afterthought. This is a destination in itself.
It's the anus. Not yours, his. Penetrating a man's anus stimulates his prostate — the male G spot. Do not underestimate the power of this tip-off. The results are titanic.
Most men crave anal play, whether they ask for it or not. Most women, however, do not daydream of fulfilling this desire. I am among them. When I tell Dr. Ava that I would just as soon skip that train stop, she shoots me the mother-in-law look. "Get over it," she says. "Attitudes like that are why men cheat." Yes, ma'am.
Start by lightly circling the outside of his anus with your fingers or tongue. Try a small, thin vibrator. If your man wants you to proceed with penetration, you can lubricate the vibrator, or use a lubricated, covered finger. Buy latex finger cots at the drugstore. They will prevent internal skin tears and, frankly, make the whole transaction easier for you. Prepare for bliss rockets to light his sky. I promise you that his slack-jawed, pinwheel-eyed, puppy-like gratitude will abate any reluctance on your part. I, your intrepid tour guide, now speak from the mesa of Experience. I'll bet Mata Hari used this one.
Smell and taste can be vivid sexual lures, especially the way you smell and taste. Does he really like your signature perfume? Might he prefer something trashier? Spicier? Experiment.
Try bathing with a new scented oil. Walk out in a towel, then ask him to smell you and nibble and share what he thinks. Show him where. Unless you've bathed in skunk oil, his sharing will involve few words.
Play with flavored lubricants. There are dozens to choose from, like chocolate pudding flavor, strawberry, tangerine. Even if you don't really need lubricants for intercourse, they're wholesomely lewd, and they increase sensation.
Some men don't want flavored or scented anything. They crave the smell and taste of an aroused woman, unadorned. If you have such a man, here's a marvelous move: Find a private moment in a public place. Tell him you can't wait to get home 'cause you're wet just thinking about him. Maintain eye contact as you (discreetly! sensuously!) snake your hand inside your clothes to your vagina. Touch yourself; maybe moan a bit. Draw your hand out and put your fingers in his mouth. Say sweetly, "See?"
No woman alive needs to be told that sight is every man's number one stimulus when it comes to sex. This is often the bane of our existence (as when his head swivels in a restaurant like NASA radar). But the power of sight can work for you.
Forget acrylic nails, or those "darling" accessories, or that new workout gear — men couldn't care less. Take that cash and invest in lingerie. It can be demure; it can be enticingly sleazy. "Lingerie" — way above "please" or "thank you" — is the magic word.
When Dr. Ava first suggests this I say, "Oh, please. Lingerie? That old cliché?"
"It is a cliché, my dear," she replies, "for a reason. Remember: Men are not biologically programmed to be with one woman. Anything you can do to be different in bed — or on the floor, or in the closet — you should do. If you want a monogamous man." I make a face. "That's not what women want to hear, I know," Ava drawls, "but it's the truth."
Slinky, lacy black things are classics. Start there.
And speaking of being different in bed, Dr. Ava suggests this trusty personal favorite: Surprise your man by occasionally removing your pubic hair completely (depilatory cream is best; no itchy regrowth). This simple trick is audacious — and mesmerizing.
Masturbate in front of your man. Don't be shy. Describe what you're doing as you do it. Masturbate him while he watches. Tell him his penis is gorgeous. (Wearing spike heels when you say this is always a plus.) If your body isn't perfect, remember: Candlelight can soothe a spectrum of flaws.
Practice makes perfect. And perfecting your orgasms alone will give you the confidence to relax — deux. The first thing you have to do is banish the notion that you must have an orgasm through intercourse. Not a lot of women do, and some who say they do are lying. Most women, however, can climax with masturbation, and it's a great way to learn what really works for you.
Get loose with yourself. Make the time. Wear something hot. Try different kinds of vibrators (Juli Ashton's Pink Pocket Rocket, tiny and powerful, is a real people pleaser. Check it out at www.lasextoys.com). Try different positions: on your back, in a chair, kneeling in front of a mirror. Touch yourself in different ways — for instance, play with your labia only until the verge of orgasm, and only then touch your clitoris directly. Build sensations slowly; keep yourself near the verge for as long as you can. Discover what works best for you, and explain it to your partner. Ladies: He can't read your mind.
The good news: You definitely have a G spot. The bad news: Finding it is like playing pin the tail on the donkey.
The G spot is, anatomically speaking, your urethral sponge — a sprig of knowledge I find wildly unerotic. It's our version of the male prostate, best stimulated through the vagina's front wall with your fingers, or with a flexing, antennalike vibrator designed for this quest.
To find your G spot, get yourself nicely aroused; then, inserting one or two fingers, palm up, press slowly around your vagina's front wall, about two inches up. It varies from girl to girl. Before hell freezes over you will hit a dime-size, slightly ridged spot that provokes an urge to urinate. Engrave that location on your brain, then go and do so. When you return, find it again. This time ignore the got-to-go feeling; you'll know it's false. If you keep stimulating, that sensation will bloom into pleasure. Once you've aced this, demonstrate it for your partner.
A favorite intercourse position is optimal for G spot stimulation: Kneel atop your man, legs on either side of his torso. Lean back on his raised knees.
Dr. Ava says G spot orgasms are titanic, intense, different from what the ol' workhorse clitoris can bring. Some women experience an "ejaculation" with these — a milky fluid discharged from the urethral area.
There are times when you just need a condom, no matter how smugly exclusive you are: You have a yeast infection — he has a weird red spot — you're in Hawaii without your Pills. But produce one and you see the face of a petulant toddler veneered on the man you love. It growls, "I'm not using that thing. No way."
The smart woman responds sweetly with: "But baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth." Men love this. Let him know it's an old hookers' trick. Here's how it goes:
a. Hold the condom so the rolled edge is facing you.
b. Place it between your lips and teeth that way. Stick your tongue in the middle so tongue-in-condom pokes out just a bit.
c. Put tongue-in-condom on the head of the penis. (If you want to train for this before the actual event, practice on a banana.)
d. Cover your teeth with your lips and ease your mouth over his penis until the condom is unrolled. Make sure you leave some space at the top for semen. And don't conduct this like a relay race. A little finesse, if you please!
Genius, huh? You're welcome.
Do make noise during sex, girlfriend. Dr. Ava says enthusiasm is the number one turn-on for men.Learn more: Hot Sex